Happy Holidays!

Have you bought your mom something nice yet? What about your brother? Step brother? Step brother’s boyfriend? What about sending a Christmas card to that boss that fired you a few months back because you took off your pants during a quarterly meeting? I know you felt it was justified, and I’m all for the freedom to express yourself, so you should feel obligated to send your previous employer a photo of your ass with the caption, “Season’s Greetings!”

I spend my holidays stirring a bowl of milk with soggy cereal for hours in the morning, followed up by an overwhelming fear of seeing my family because I think I have a future in writing garbage on the internet. The fear is real.

I imagine the rest of the BIG EAST, sans Villanova and Butler, is spending their holidays in a constant state of fear as well, knowing that the buzzsaw the boys from Omaha wield will soon be ripping through their city. Khadeen Carrington says he’s fine but his shaky hands and growing stomach ulcers tell a different story.

With the Creighton Bluejays there’s a few things that they may want to receive from old Saint Nick, and no I’m not talking about Nick Bahe you idiot, I’m talking about Santa Claus.

Below I will outline exactly what the Jays wish to receive on Jesus’s birthday in such detail it’ll become permanently etched into your mind.

A New Arena That Seats 430k+

Hear me out on this one. You may be aware that a recent jokester decided to run for mayor on the platform of bringing an NFL team to Omaha by preemptively building a stadium - a stadium that would be funded by us hard working taxpayers. This bag of laughs thinks that Omahans are stupid. I think we’re a very smart people, perhaps the smartest in the country. Our mass transit is pretty shitty but we’ll figure that one out with due time.

If we tore down the practically ancient CenturyLink Center and built an arena that could hold the entire population of Omaha, Creighton would officially become #OmahasTeam. This would allow the University an opportunity to boast the most well attended sporting event ever and continue to make Council Bluffs inferior.

To ensure this bombastic idea’s success, Mayor Jean Stothert would have to make attendance to each game mandatory. If a citizen chooses to be absent, the penalty would be watching every Nebraska basketball game for an entire season - a penalty worse than death.

What recruit wouldn’t love to play in this beautiful barn? They’d practically be drooling all over themselves hoping to throw the orange orb at the cherry red rim in front of every single person in the city! It would probably make lots of dreams come true.

You may notice a lack of luxury boxes. That’s by design. Every game would be open seating, a first come first serve set up. This would allow the Warren Buffetts to sit and talk with the greasy elbowed, blue collared folks of this fine city.

A Cloning Machine To Create An Infinite Amount Of Khyri Thomases, Justin Pattons, and Mo Watsons

If the entire Creighton roster consisted of a never ending supply of Khyris, Wops, and JPs, the team would endure success until the sun explodes and destroys all mankind. With a bunch of 6’3 guards with 90’ wingspans that are defensive stalwarts, a slew of 5’10 point guards that have an innate ability to assist anyone, and a stockpile of 7’0 centers who can run the floor and punish the rim with vicious dunks, the Jays would post 110+ points a game and never lose.

Even though cloning is still a pretty controversial topic in the American lexicon, it stands to reason that Creighton’s medical program could usher in a new wave in cloning technologies for the benefit of grandiose entertainment our great great great great great grandchildren can enjoy.

This Patton-sized step in the scientific community, paired with the city-capacity arena, would give Omaha a fantastic edge in becoming a city on the grow. It’d also give sociologists everywhere a great case study to see how an entire city’s population would react when only one concession stand remained open throughout the game. The amount of research to be collected here would be priceless!

All Creighton would need to pull this off is a little DNA from each player, a feat the Manajays could probably perform with relative ease, and a shitload of funding to the medical school. Get on it, Jaybackers.

Rebounding, Defense, and Free Throws I guess

Rebounds are all about hustle which is a metric that doesn’t exist. It also has a lot to do with positioning. Creighton’s opponents tend to hold the ball to slow the pace (18.5 seconds per possession) it’s tough to know where exactly the shot is going to come from, which limits a player’s opportunities to get squared up. Creighton also pushes in transition, so when a shot goes up a guard usually starts sprinting back on offense to keep the pressure on.

Creighton still hasn’t lost a game yet.

Defense has always been a tough aspect and Marcus Foster even noted that the Jays still have a ways to climb before they reach their ceiling, saying that defense is the way to get there. Compared to the last two years Creighton’s defense is actually pretty good since they’re rated in the top 100 of adjusted defense on eFG%. They force teams to shoot threes by double teaming the post, which hasn’t worked out for anyone so far this year (only allowing 32.2% from three) so the gameplan is certainly there.

Creighton still hasn’t lost a game yet.

Coach Mac said after the Oral Roberts game that he’s utilized every free throw drill imaginable, including the blacklisted and highly controversial 100,000 FTs per sip of water technique, yet the Jays still are a bit shaky from the FT line. This only becomes a glaring issue when points are essential, the offense is having an off night, and the opposing team is sending them to the line - i.e the Oral Roberts game. It’s an old adage, but it is a bit different shooting free throws in practice and shooting them in a game. Call me a Bluejay apologist but it turns out this team is 12-0.

Titanium Legs for Zach Hanson

If anyone deserves them, it’s him. We miss you Zach. Get better soon.

Merry Christmas, thanks for all the fish.