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BIG EAST TEAMS AND COFFEE

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IS YOUR TEAM A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE? NO! GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT GARBAGE!

ITALY-SHOW-SIGEP-FOOD Photo credit should read ANDREAS SOLARO/AFP/Getty Images

Today we asked you folks if you preferred iced coffee or hot coffee. So far, the results are 50/50 because we live in a broken world.

This got the brain vibrating and wondering what coffee corresponds with which BIG EAST team. As the caffeine was punching through my blood stream, each sip of hot coffee adding to the blitzkrieg of good ideas, I decided to write this article.

Here are the BIG EAST men’s basketball teams with their corresponding styles of coffee. This is as clickbaity as it gets, folks, so strap in for the ride and thanks for clicking.

BUTLER - FRENCH PRESS

WOW THIS COFFEE IS GOOD. HAD TO WAIT A WHILE FOR THIS BREW TO GET REALLY GOOD BUT HITTING THE PLUNGER AFTER WAITING THE PERFECT TIME (THREE YEARS MINUTES) IT’S REALLY ENJOYABLE AND WORTHWHILE. SOMETIMES THE GROUNDS GET INTO YOUR CUP BUT IT’S JUST A NICE CRUNCHY TREAT.

CREIGHTON - NITRO COLD BREW

LOCK AND LOAD BABY, THERE’S NOTHING MORE EXCITING THAN DRINKING A PINT OF COFFEE THAT LOOKS LIKE BEER. IT HITS YOU FAST, IT MAKES YOUR HANDS SHAKE, YOU CAN HARDLY CONTAIN IT. A RARE TREAT WHEN YOU CAN FIND IT. IT’LL MAKE YOU CRASH PRETTY HARD ABOUT TWO ROUNDS HOURS LATER, BUT I CAN DRINK ONE IN 15.1 SECONDS. IT’LL MAKE YOU WANT TO LET IT FLY AS YOU RE-ENTER YOUR WORK ENVIRONMENT, FINALLY TELLING YOUR BOSS TO GIVE YOU A RAISE, AND HAPHAZARDLY PROPOSING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND OF 4 DAYS.

DEPAUL - FREEZE DRIED TASTER’S CHOICE

WOW THIS COFFEE IS TERRIBLE, A LOT TO BE DESIRED HERE. YOUR DAD TALKS ABOUT HOW IT WAS GOOD IN THE 70’S AND 80’S BUT IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE NOW! MAYBE THAT’LL CHANGE SOON? DOES TASTER’S CHOICE START TASTING BETTER WITH TIME, LIKE WINE?

GEORGETOWN - GROCERY STORE COFFEE BINS

YEAH YOU CAN GET IT CHEAP IN PERSON, AND IT’S ALWAYS SORT OF THERE, BUT UNTIL PATTY THE COFFEE GURU AT THE GROCERY STORE STARTS STOCKING THE BINS WITH BETTER BEANS, YOU’RE GONNA BUY IT ONLY IN DESPERATION. I WONDER IF PATTY IS GONNA DO IT. PATTY IF YOU’RE READING THIS PLEASE STOCK BETTER BEANS.

MARQUETTE - AMERICANO

AFTER A FEW OF THESE YOU REALLY START FEELING IT. IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH. YOU’RE GONNA WANNA DO THE THING A BUNCH OF TIMES. ANDREW ROWSEY IS THE HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AMERICANO.

PROVIDENCE - DUNKIN’ ORIGINAL BLEND

IT’S ALWAYS GOOD. IT’S NOT A LOT OF FUN BUT GOD DAMN DO YOU FEEL PASSIONATE ABOUT IT IF YOU’RE FROM THE NORTHEAST. OR IF YOU JUST LIKE IT A LOT. I WOULD HAVE A DUNKIN’ COFFEE WITH ED COOLEY ANY DAY.

ST. JOHN’S - KEURIG K-CUPS

YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. YOU DROPPED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON THE MACHINE AND IT CAME WITH A SAMPLE PACK. YOU HAD SOME OF THE COFFEES IN THE SAMPLE PACK AND THOUGHT IT WAS OK SO YOU BOUGHT A WHOLE PACK OF K-CUPS. THEY WERE ALL BAD AND YOU TRIED SOME OTHER ONES THAT WERE BAD TOO. THEN YOU REALIZED YOU GOOFED UP BUYING THE KEURIG AND WISH YOU WOULD’VE GONE WITH A MORE CONVENTIONAL COFFEE MAKER. YOU TOOK A RISK, IT’S OK, BUT IT’S TIME TO GO WITH SOMETHING ELSE.

SETON HALL - TURKISH COFFEE

THIS COFFEE IS REALLY GRITTY! HOLY SMOKES IT’S ALSO REALLY GOOD! WAIT YOU’VE JUST HAD YOUR FOURTH ROUND OF THIS NICE BEVERAGE AND SUDDENLY YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING AND YOU’RE GETTING ORNERY FOR NO REASON. MIGHT AS WELL GET A FIFTH! THERE’S THE ANXIETY YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. NOW YOU’RE UNSURE OF EVERYTHING. MORE SUGAR CUBES PLEASE, THAT’LL LEVEL YOU OUT. NOW YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE A PACK OF SMOKES. THAT’S THE STUFF. MIGHT AS WELL GET A SIXTH! AHH, THERE IT IS, HITTING THE STRIDE AT THE RIGHT MOMENT. NOW YOU’RE A BUZZSAW. TIME TO GET EVERYTHING DONE ALL AT ONCE.

VILLANOVA - SUPER RARE, SMALL BATCH COFFEE FROM THAT COOL LOCAL COFFEE SHOP THAT SEEMS HIP AND COOL OR WHATEVER BUT YOU UNDERSTAND ALL THE HYPE

OKAY SO YOU JUST BOUGHT A 12oz BAG OF COFFEE FOR $50 BUT YOU WERE TOLD IT WAS REALLY GOOD, LIKE THE BEST COFFEE YOU’VE EVER HAD, SOME REALLY TRANSCENDENT STUFF. THEN YOU DRANK SOME OF IT AND YOU REALIZED THAT YOU WEREN’T MISLED, IN FACT THIS WAS SOME OF THE GREATEST STUFF YOU’VE EVER HAD. YOU DRANK ONE CUP AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN AN ARMANI SUIT AND JUST PASSED THE BAR. IT’S SO, SO GOOD. BOTH SIDES OF THE COFFEE ARE GOOD. IT’S PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

XAVIER - DIRTY CHAI LATTE

OH MAN IS THIS GOOD. IT’S ALWAYS GOOD. YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH A LITTLE TEA IN YOUR COFFEE. IT GIVES YOU ALL THE CAFFEINE YOU COULD EVER WANT. IT DELIVERS SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT EACH TIME, BUT THE END RESULT IS ALWAYS THE SAME. PLUS IT’S JUST A LITTLE DIRTY SOMETIMES. A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE TEA. A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE COFFEE. SOME PEOPLE HATE BOTH. A SMALL MINORITY LOVE BOTH. IT’S THE JP MACURA OF COFFEE.