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Who shouldn’t join the BIG EAST if it decides to expand

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Might as well get all the bad ideas out of the way.

37th Annual Salute To Women In Sports - Arrivals Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Women's Sports Foundation

We live in an era of conference re-alignment. Everyday the BIG XII balks and grumbles and hates themselves because they are no longer Big, nor 12 There are a lot of schools that would spend millions of dollars to join the vaunted, not mid major Big East conference. There are a lot of schools that would rather exist in their disheveled, poor, bad conference because they’ve seen the king and they’d rather stay at an arm’s distance away.

There’s been a lot of talk about letting UConn back into the conference because of the BIG XII debacle, which is usually met with a slew of hellfire from twitter or some other social media outlet. Non-UConn fans seem a little bit warmer on the idea but if you ask a die hard Husky fan they’d probably shame you into tears, tears that would turn into psychiatric care, psychiatric care that would lead to medication, medicated states that would lead into a massive overhaul of personality, and with that personality you’d eventually run for president under the guise that you’d actually have a shot at winning.

St. Louis University would probably be an OK fit, but the conference only has room for one terrifying mascot. I don’t think there’s a single fan of a BIG EAST team that hasn’t awoken drenched in sweat after picturing the Friar running after them, cackling into the void. To picture the Billiken and Friar in the same exercise? No way, man. I’d jump into the Colombia River before ever allowing that to happen.

Then there’s schools like St. Joseph’s - which in a vacuum would be neat because of their basketball pedigree but in reality they exist in a television market that’s already occupied by some other school, can’t remember the name, sorry.

So here’s a list of schools that shouldn’t get into the BIG EAST if they decide to expand:

ITT Technical Institute

Yeah I think this one is pretty self explanatory. They don’t even exist anymore.

Trump University

A lot of legal trouble here, the only benefit that comes with allowing this shell of a “learning institute” into the BIG EAST would be for the law students to get an idea of what a scam feels, tastes, and looks like.

The Colorado School of Mimes/Minds/Mines

Fantastic school for earth sciences, but their athletic programs really aren’t up to snuff. I’d love to get a shiny degree made of pyrrhotite but that’s about the only reason. Though, the Denver market would be nice.

University of Phoenix

Pretty sure this is an online school.

The World University

Sure, the Puerto Rican market sure looks appealing on the surface, but if you do a little research you find that this worldly university shut down in 1989. Sorry, island fans.

That Create-A-School You Made in NCAA Football 2001

Look, I know you really want your program to be legit and contend for natty’s every year, but having brown and yellow uniforms because they looked like poop and pee just won’t fly in the prestigious BIG EAST. Sorry.

The Montreal Expos

This was a baseball team once, and I understand Montreal wanting to crack into American basketball, but perhaps starting a basketball behemoth in Collège de Montrèal would be a better start?

Briarcliff College

Hard to field a men’s basketball team at an all women’s school! Also was purchased by Pace University in 1977 - a school I’d very much be in favor of adding as long as they brought free salsa to every road game.

Fictional College From Movie You Saw

Yeah, having a funny acronym only gets you so far. No dice here, muchacho. Plus, I’m pretty sure this school doesn’t exist in the physical world. It might have for a few weeks on set, but that doesn’t mean it exists now. You do understand the difference between reality and fiction, right?

University of Dayton

Hahahaha yeah right. Even thinking about this makes me want to go into ctrl-alt-del - open task manager - end all tasks - log off forever. Dayton will live and die as a mid-major.