Recap: Seton Hall 75 Creighton 65

I'm going to start this thing off by giving you the final box score. Press your eyeballs upon it and see all of the things that happened in this basketball game from a statistics stand point. Looks like Seton Hall owned the offensive boards, shot extremely well from 3, and scored a lot of 2nd chance points.

Alright, now for something completely different.

I'm not an astrophysicist, nor do I claim to be one (except when I'm trying to impress a group of people, a group who immediately mistrust me for I reek of gin and vermouth), but I suspect that gravity is most certainly a force that is not to be reckoned with. Can you imagine a basketball game played without gravity? Yeah, I mean you could, but it wouldn't be basketball anymore. It'd just be a bunch of people floating around doing a whole lot of nothing.

Alright, so imagine I'm standing in front of you telling you about basketball sans gravity while I sport a nice turtleneck and a book of space poems. I'm very convincing, aren't I? You'd be thinking, "Man, this guy knows what he's talking about. Look at that book of poems! Far out, man!" Far out indeed, man. So I'm standing here, telling you about how the ball would just sort of float there for a while until something hit it so it'd start to float in a different direction, and how the scoring system would need to be changed completely. Yeah, you're buying this. Alright, so instead of your usual field goals, foul shots, alley-oops, shot and game clock, you'd instead have a point-based merit system that includes: eating a sandwich before it floats too far away (1pt), yelling expletives into the void of space (1.7pts), swatting the ball in the general direction of a teammate (11pts), float style points (587pts), and a complex explanation of the idea of heat death (auto-win).

It would be difficult to find a proper arena for this game to be played in, for nothing is a fixed object and taking video to have proof of the game would be a logistical nightmare. Since there are no goals, perhaps it'd be best to affix a camera to each player involved, then just sort of see where it goes. There's also no time limit, so there isn't really a beginning or an end unless someone can fully explain heat death. The ideal situation is that you get a ringer from the local school of science and have them join the team at the very last second. Neither team prepared for this caveat though so we'll just have to continue on.

SETON HALL'S SPACE CADETS

If Seton Hall and Creighton had played this game instead of earth-style basketball, Creighton may have won by a great deal of points. Since the two schools involved in the actual basketball game tonight fail to include their player's majors, it's hard telling if any of the characters involved would be able to fully explain heat death without looking it up, thus nullifying the auto-win situation. It is unknown whether or not any of the players ate sandwiches during the game (a sandwich can be two tiny slices of bread with a little something between them) so for the sake of the sport let's just say neither team ate any tiny sandwiches. I can honestly say that I didn't hear many expletives by either team tonight, which would then nullify the 1.7 points for either team. Creighton had 4 blocked shots to Seton Hall's two, which would garner them a 44-22 lead. Unfortunately for the Jays, Isaiah Whitehead managed to hit a three pointer with a great deal of style, putting the Pirates up 609-44. Fortunately for the Jays, Toby Hegner pumped up the crowd in a stylistic fashion during a run in the second half, which would put the score at 631-609 - Jays win.

Getting these players back down to play earth basketball safely would require a great deal of science, science I definitely know about when I'm pretending to be an astrophysicist. Ideally, you'd collect the players in a giant net, sort of like when you went hunting for butterflies with your great aunt Sue that one summer, and scoop 'em all up. Hopefully none of the players get their feet caught, and are able to safely navigate through the net to its apex where they'd go through rigorous depressurizing scenarios or whatever, yadda yadda etc.

Once this is successfully accomplished, you'd place them on a basketball court for all the world to see. You'd let the fans dress in their favorite color - perhaps pink - and watch them embrace the beauty of earth-style basketball. You'd have Cadet Singh, Junior Cadet Gordon, and Junior Cadet Maurice Watson Junior. You'd place them on their respective teams and let 'em go at it.

In the first half of the game, you'd watch as the teams tried to compensate for being able to utilize gravity again. Creighton, because their spacesuits were made in Canada, would take a lot longer to acclimate themselves to this new found force of nature. Meanwhile, because Seton Hall's space suits were made in America, they'd be fully prepared to take on their opposition. I can picture it now:

Thanks for reading!