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The Big East Hires an Expansion Consultant

On a cold and rainy night, Big East commissioner stands John Marinatto in the main room of a rundown office space. He observes two mascots already seated at desks with another arriving late removing its rain-soaked hat and jacket as it walks into the room. Another man the mascots do not recognize stands next to Marinatto.

Due to language and adult situations, Dave Chappelle advises: Better not bring your kids

Shasta_at_desk_medium  So…Who is that?

Will_d_cat_medium /shrugs

J_marinatto_medium It's 7:30. And where is Pouncer? 

Knightro_medium The Memphis guy? Who the hell cares? And I’m not his secretary so I don’t know, do I?

Alec_medium Let me have your attention for a moment. What are you talking about? You're talking about (extinguishes cigarette on Pouncer's empty desk) that time you blocked Temple from a full Big East membership, or when you destroyed SMU 95-21. Let's talk about something important! Are they all here?

J_marinatto_medium All but one.

Alec_medium Doesn’t matter. Let’s talk about something important!

Will_d_cat_medium /pours a cup of coffee in the back of the room

Alec_medium PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN. Coffee is for closers only.

Will_d_cat_medium /chuckles

Alec_medium You think I'm shitting you? . . . I am not shitting you.


Alec_medium I’m here from New Brunswick. I’m here for Tim Pernetti. And I’m here on a mission of mercy! Your name’s Villanova?

Will_d_cat_medium Yeah.

Alec_medium You call yourself a football program you son of a bitch?

Knightro_medium I don't gotta listen to this shit.

Alec_medium You certainly don't pal cuz you're out. The good news is that you've got a week to convince the Big East to give you a spot.


Alec_medium Oh...have I got your attention now? Good. If you can't close the deal with the financial data you were given, you can't close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it because you are going out!

Will_d_cat_medium The data is weak.

Alec_medium The data is weak? Fucking data is weak? YOU'RE WEAK.

Knightro_medium What's your name? 

Alec_medium FUCK YOU, that’s my name! You know why, mister? Cuz you drove a Kia Spectra to get here tonight and I drove $90,000 BMW. That’s my name.

Knightro_medium /sighs

Alec_medium And your name is wanting. You can't close this conference. Go home and tell your wife your problems. Because only one thing matters in life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! Your hear me, you stupid mascots?


Alec_medium /flips over blackboard. A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing! You think this conference has meetings just to get out of this rain? They want to buy your proposal or they don’t have the meetings in the first place! Are you gonna take their BCS money? Are you man enough to take it?

Will_d_cat_medium /gulps

Alec_medium What’s the problem pal? You. UCF.

Knightro_medium You’re so awesome. You’re so rich, why come here and waste your time on a bunch of mascots?

Alec_medium /takes off watch. You see this watch? You see this watch?

Knightro_medium Yeah.

Alec_medium That watch costs more than your entire athletic budget last year! You see pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. You wanna join this conference? Close!

Shasta_at_desk_medium /sniffles

Alec_medium You think this is abuse? You can’t take this? How do you think you are gonna take the abuse at Milan Puskar Stadium!? You don’t like it…leave.

Will_d_cat_medium /smirks

Alec_medium You know what it takes to sell the Big East. It takes brass balls. The conference bid is out there. Go and take it. You don’t…I have no sympathy for you.

J_marinatto_medium /hands over stack of checks

Alec_medium These are the BCS checks. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Giving them to you is like throwing them away. They are for closers. I’d wish you luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it.