Potential Candidates For The St. John’s Coaching Vacancy

St. John’s has taken a bizarre road to hire a coach to replace Chris Mullin. They whiffed on Tim Cluess, they tried to convince the internet that Bobby Hurley was coming, Rick Pitino wanted an apology from the Second District Court of New York, and Porter Moser rejected whatever package Mike Cragg offered because he doesn’t give a shit about gobs of money.

The bottom of the barrel has finally embraced the suburban lights of Queens. As Vitamin Water billionaire and St. John’s alum Mike Repole put it, “we’ve become a national laughingstock.”

As of this writing it appears that Paul Hewitt (who has been scouting in the NBA for the Clippers since he took a George Mason program and drove it into the depths of hell, eventually getting ousted in 2015) is a legitmate candidate to take the reigns of the men’s basketball program.

These are truly dire times. Luckily, you have me, and I’m going to give you a shortlist of candidates who should replace Chris Mullin.

Please, dear reader, let’s delve into this deep pool of candidates and see who should be standing on the sidelines as he/she/it/they take St. John’s to new heights in March.

GRIMACE

There’s little doubt as to why Grimace would be an excellent head coach at St. John’s. He’s been ostracized from society because of his weight and size, seemingly unfit for the McDonald’s roll of mascots, and has that in-your-face New York attitude that the Johnnies desperately need. With McDonalds attempting to steer further away from utilizing their mascot bunch, Grimace needs a job, and St. John’s needs a head coach.

Grimace has worked closely with clowns and thieves his entire public life, making him the perfect candidate to deal with BIG EAST referees.

MULECULE

The Mulecule is all powerful. The Mulecule knows basketball, I guess. Do not distrust the Mulecule for the Mulecule will haunt your nightmares - unlike Grimace, who would flaunt joyously in all your daydreams - and make you look like a small lizard in a sandbar on the New Jersey coastline. Mulecule will bring wins, championships, and most importantly, the Mulecule will bring back the Red Storm tradition of being an electric mule.

TRASH ISLAND

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I know that looks like New Jersey but it’s really just an island of trash out in the Pacific Ocean. St. John’s hiring Trash Island would be a huge boon for the environment, giving the very desperate St. John’s administration a nice piece of PR, although when thinking about it the PR boost they’d get for hiring Grimace would far exceed that of cleaning up a huge problem in the Pacific Ocean. The recruiting footprint for Trash Island is unknown as of this time but it would probably stretch the entire eastern seaboard if given enough time.

THE OWNER OF MARINO’S

Peter Marino is an Italian immigrant and holds the keys to one of the best bodegas in the Empire State. Although he’s more known for his fantastic deli, he’s an icon in Queens, and deserves to get millions of dollars from St. John’s before he retires because, well, fuck why not? If they can’t get Grimace, just get Peter Marino.

A MANNEQUIN FROM DICK’S SPORTING GOODS

I know there’s an opportunity for this headless mannequin to say no, but this would be a Good Get for the Red Storm. It already has as much coaching experience as Chris Mullin did when he first started, so why not give it a try? High risk, high reward, sort of like Grimace.

OLIVER PURNELL

Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

According to sources very close to BECB, Oliver Purnell has never been fired from a job. That’s the kind of coach St. John’s needs. Unfireable. Purnell would be huge in Queens, but Grimace is still on the table.

A GOOGLE SEARCH

All searches begin and end with google. It’s mind boggling that the brass at St. John’s hasn’t tried using the very famous search engine to look for a new head coach. Perhaps that’s a jumping off point for them. Perhaps they can use this tool to find someone that would fit their mold. Perhaps they can just get it over with and hire Grimace.

A PICTURE OF MIKE KRYZEWSKI

Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Sure, it’s no Grimace, but a picture of Mike Kryzewski smiling would get any recruit to seriously consider going to St. John’s. Imagine the impact a framed photo of the Hall of Fame coach, carried by masked men in black suits, would have on an 18-year-old in these United States. I bet it would make that young man smile and nod, not as much as Grimace, but still smile and nod!

A Broken Toaster That’s Still Plugged In Because It Cost $39 At Target And Your Dad Is Very Defensive About It Because He Lost The Receipt To Return It

Your dad bought the toaster a couple months ago but it doesn’t work for whatever reason. Every time you bring it up with him he gets really pissed and claims that he’s going to get around to fixing it, except he hasn’t even been able to fix the relationship that’s been severed between the two of you since he lost your daughter at the county fair two years ago. The panic you felt that day searching for dear Rebecca - only to find her in the corn maze - can only match the frustration you feel towards your father keeping the toaster plugged in even though it doesn’t work. Toasters are relatively inexpensive but the hubris your dad possesses to continue to power this broken piece of machinery isn’t priceless; it’s costing you the relationship. Good Get for the Johnnies, though, especially if they can’t get Grimace.

You

Yes, that’s right. You’re the perfect candidate to become head coach at St. John’s, especially if you’re Grimace. You know all the plays. You know how to convince kids to come hang out with you for 4-5 years. You know what a basketball looks like and you know how those shoes squeak on the court. You’re well aware of what a scoreboard is and what it should look like at the end of basketball games. Most importantly, you know what it takes to win. You’ve told everyone on the message boards that you do. You complain about refereeing online and in person and in your head, now you’ll have the power to do that from the sidelines. You don’t have a lot of coaching experience but neither did Chris Mullin and he ended up with millions of dollars! You’re perfect and YOU. ARE. ST. JOHN’S. Now go out there and make us proud!