From Unranked To Ranked: Monday’s Headlines On Friday In Regards To DePaul

Here at Monday’s Headlines On Friday our job is to accurately predict what Monday morning’s headlines will look like before the weekend officially begins. We here at MHOF take our jobs very seriously and we don’t joke around ever. That’s why the public trusts us so much. We’ve been able to predict with 100% accuracy every headline that Breitbort dot com has published on Monday on Friday.

We’re just that talented.

We’ve been commissioned by Big East Coast Bias to make predictions in regards to

DePaul University because that’s been the hot subject recently. Without further ado, here are our expert predictors telling us what we’ll be reading about on Monday morning.

ROSE: I predict that DePaul will be ranked and also that a gang of Cheetahs escape from the Toronto Zoo and chase down bad guys, eventually earning the moniker of “Super Cheetahs.” They’re the next best Halloween costume until they’re officially cancelled for pooping in someone’s yard and refusing to clean it up.

LARRY: When we crack open our smart phones, hunting down headlines that make us emote :O we will see one that surprises us! :-O This headline will also make us very happy :) The headline will be as follows: DePaul is in the Top 25 in Men’s College Basketball! The remainder of the headlines will focus on the gang of Cheetahs that are running the city of Toronto.

BERBOP: Pain. Lots of pain. I have been predicting pain since I volunteered to get a root canal once a day until I die. I have been correct in my predictions. I love pain. So it pains me to predict something that will momentarily alleviate the pain and that is the painless expression of “DePaul ranked in the Top 25.”

BORSHTINKLE: Бұл әлемде әдемі әрі көрнекті болып жатқан көптеген оқиғалар бар, біз өмір сүріп жатқан өмірдің таңғажайып үлгісі. Күн сайын мен қайтадан оянғанда қуанышқа толамын; және дүйсенбіде DePaul санатына енгенде, мен осы керемет ғаламшардағы ең бақытты адам боламын!

TRAB: Trab here! Hey to the TrabHeads out there grinding every day! You are my rocks! Just a quick shoutout to HereComesTrabble778: I’m sorry I couldn’t upload a vlog on your birthday bro, I ended up having surgery to have part of my brain examined. It’s a long story bro but I hope this shoutie reaches you so we can be chill again. Like, it’s nothing major, just my doctor was on my nuts about drilling into my brain and removing a large portion of the frontal cortex for like, I don’t know, science? You get what you sign up for. Sorry bro. Also, quick shoutie to my friend Dorbat; bro, thanks for picking me up from surgery. I don’t remember much but the fact you kept slamming on your brakes to try to get me to hit my head on the dash was Way Not Cool. I def remember that bro, and I’m still a little irked about it, you know? But we’re chill Dorbat, just don’t do it again or else my brain will swell like a pumpkin! My prediction for all my TrabHeads: Monday’s sports section is gonna be litty with a ranked DePaul! Well, that’s all I got for today TrabHeads, gonna work on getting some vlogs up once I can take this wicked smelly bandage off my head. Peace!

SPURTO: I predict DePaul will make headlines Monday with the news that they’ve entered the top 25.

NASH: I agree with Spurto. DePaul will be in the top 25 come Monday morning and it will make headlines across the country along with the Cheetahs that escaped from the Toronto Zoo. Both of these predictions get my NASH seal of approval.

JOHN: Jessica,

I told you to stop emailing me about this stupid prediction website. I only live in the past now. But yea DePaul will probably be ranked in the Top 25 as long as they take care of business against Buffalo.

Please stop emailing me.

- John