I will not eat anything until DePaul is ranked.
This isn’t a publicity stunt. This is a mission that I was sent on from the Basketball Gods. They came to me after Jalen Coleman-Lands banged home a tying three pointer with seconds left to send the Texas Tech game into overtime. Here’s a transcript of how that all went down:
Me: Holy shit! What a shot! This DePaul team is for real!
Basketball Gods (collectively): HEY!
Me: Holy shit! The Basketball Gods!
Basketball Gods (collectively): Dude you should stop eating until DePaul has numbers next to their name.
Me: I like eating though. It’s vital to me. It allows me to live.
Basketball Gods: Shut up and do it or else we’ll make you start watching Virginia basketball.
Me: Holy shit! I’m in!
There you have it. I’m finished with consuming foods until the basketball minds agree that DePaul deserves to be ranked and then properly rank them. It’s not rocket science. If I die, bury my ashes at Wintrust Arena.