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Heretics Succumb To Jesuits 72-60

The Cult of Tulsa couldn’t come up with 4 million dollars by the end of the game to win.

Big East Basketball Media Day Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images

Creighton, the good guys, the boys with Jesuit values, finished a holy war by stomping out the rising cultists from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Although the cultists had played it close in all of their traveling tent expeditions, they were simply outclassed by the Catholics tonight. Creighton used a series of old-school tactics such as: scoring more, utilizing their best players (Ty-Shon Alexander, Mitch Ballock, Marcus Zegarowski) to get the deed done, while getting a surprisingly strong showing from their (Christian) Bishop.

The crowd that surrounded the action were served $1 beverages up until the show started, getting properly tuned up to watch a complete embarrassment by the cultists as they chucked up prayer after prayer with no avail. The Lavin-based language of the fans proved to be too much as they sang the ancient psalms of victory to help push the heretics back down south with nothing but a little bit of cash and a whole lot of shame.

If God herself were to shine a light on either denomination, it was a light that shone so brightly upon the Jesuit Bluejays; giving a national audience a greater understanding of where this storied program belongs in the pantheon of religious battle.

The Jesuit Bishop was spectacular, scoring a career-high 17 points while nabbing 8 rebounds in the affair. After the heretics grabbed a 10-8 lead with 16 minutes left, the boys adorned in white garb grabbed the lead and never relinquished it.

The heretics planned on locking themselves in the Bell Tower after this loss and promised that they’d emerge once a great sum of money was acquired; the only problem is that they’d deployed this tactic before and they’re going to be fully exposed for the blasphemous jackwagons that they are.

This win is a win for mankind. It’s a win that we’re going to remember when society begins its collapse.

Saints Zegarowski and Alexander each finished with 14 points while Saint Ballock had 12 points. The rest of the congregate on the Jesuit side managed to pick up the pace with four steals from Saint Jefferson and a three from Saint Canfield.

The Jesuit Jays improve to 6-2 on the season. They’ll face the body of Christ on Saturday.