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Preview: Cal Poly v Creighton

DID YOU KNOW: Cal Poly is actually a shortening of the phrase “Call Polly” - a call-to-action marketing campaign in the 90’s targeted towards young boys whose older sisters had attractive Polly Pockets that needed a date to the middle school dance.

Big East Basketball Media Day Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images

GAME INFO:

Game time: 8pm CT

Location: Omaha, NE

Weather at tip-off: 34° fahrenheit, northeast wind at 3mph. Cloudy skies.

TV: FS1 or Fox Sports App

Radio: 1620am / 101.9fm / 1620 the Zone app feat the voice of Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon Bishop.


OPPONENT INFO

Cal Poly is 26-65 in the past three seasons combined.

It took three seasons for Cal Poly to acquire over twenty wins, something these Creighton Bluejays are notorious for. Needless to say, Cal Poly isn’t a powerhouse. Cal Poly isn’t a world beater. Hell, Cal Poly hasn’t had a season finish over .500 since 2013, and so far it ain’t lookin’ too good for the Mustangs to clear that bar this season.

Amazingly, Cal Poly hung on to Joe Callero for nearly a decade before letting him out to pasture at the end of last season. He was known for coaching pretty bad to god-awful teams during his tenure, hitting his highest points in 2011-12 & 2012-13, where they reached the post season one time, losing to Weber State in the 2013 CIT.

Callero was ousted and replaced by John Smith, who according to my research is not a man lodged into witness protection by the CIA. Much to my surprise, Smith’s notoriety lands him at the top of page 4 on a google search of “John Smith,” which is about twenty pages fewer than I’d hoped for him to show up.

So far this season, Smith has led the Mustangs to a 1-3 start to his inaugural campaign, losing to Santa Clara (77-63), North Dakota State (74-67), and St. Mary’s (79-48). His one win came against The Simpsons where the Mustangs eeked out 89-45 win over the fictitious 90’s animated television show that was made popular by the phrases, “Eat My Shorts,” “Cowabunga,” and, “Calves Are The Hardest Place To Add Mass!”

Wait a minute. The CIA wants me to believe that John Smith isn’t part of a witness protection program. That’s the whole point of it. So now I’m going to believe that he’s a snitch and needed to be put away at the midway point between LA and San Francisco. Or perhaps he created a device that could turn saltwater into a renewable resource comparable to refined oil; forcing the government to destroy all of his intellectual property in order to stop him from upending the rule of fossil fuels. Or perhaps he took a CIA official’s wife as a mistress and this is just payback.

The more I think about it the more I realize that the California Polytechnic State University is just a cover for a massive society of individuals involved in completely upending the world’s economy. CPSU is actually an acronym for Controlling Populations; Suspending insUrrection. It all adds up now! You heard it here first, on the internet, where nothing can be fabricated or fictionalized to create a narrative.

Cal Poly ranks 317th in offensive efficiency. They rank 322nd in defensive efficiency. To say that a victory over Creighton would be the grandest upset in the history of sport isn’t a loose grasp on hyperbole; it’d be fact. Appalachian State over Michigan would be a footnote compared to this.

That isn’t to say that this team isn’t filled with intrigue. The Mustangs have a player named Tuukka Jaakkola, a 6’10 240lb sophomore that definitely isn’t a Create-A-Player when you’ve smoked way too much weed and ran out of ideas on player names on NCAA Basketball 09. They have a point guard named Jamal Smith, who also definitely isn’t another person to come out of the witness protection program. Last but not least, there’s a guy named Junior Ballard, who is certainly not a non-playable character out of Red Dead Redemption 2.

The government doesn’t want you to know that this team is full of players and coaches that are in witness protection because their genius minds have independently threatened our way of life. The fact that I’m able to write this without interruption is a testament to the web browser I downloaded off the dark web. It also helps that I’m writing this in a public library under an anonymous sign-in amongst the throngs of folks flipping through microfiche and the perverts reading Mid Major Madness dot com.

In fact, will this basketball game even be played? Or will the chemtrail-induced psychosis force us to believe that the simulated deep-fake of a game will take place in real life while we’re actually just laying in our beds, being probed by aliens from an invisible planet that exists just past the moo


Verba de Ludis

Ha Ha I was just fooling around, you should not believe the things I have written today. Those things are all false. Space basketball. Something about bunting in baseball. It is unfortunate that sports are happening while the world is burning! Give me money!

These are things that I normally say. That is what makes them part of my writing brand. It is what makes very few people read these things. In no way is there a devout following to the nonsense I spew, which makes this a deeper level of comedic writing.

[Insert joke about a name involved with sports]

[Something that toes the line between offensive and humor]

[Insert swear words]

I assure you that a government official has not taken over this post. There was nothing that existed in these paragraphs before that shined a light on mind control of stupid, insidious sports fans who crave drama and could not care less about the actual outcomes of games, as long as it carried something that can be shown on ESPN ad nauseam. There is a desire for your middle market city’s basketball team to be shown regularly on a national platform yet these desires are left unfulfilled.

In no way has this been heavily redacted.


Song of the Day - Master of Life by Khruangbin