Dear reader,

Please help me.

The leaders of the blogsite you’re reading right now have offered to trade myself and Sam Newberry to Mid-Major Madness for two of their writers.

The leaders shall not be named, so instead I’ll use completely anonymous names and call them Cobert and Rhris for the remainder of this article.

Please help me.

This isn’t the first time Cobert and Rhris haver offered me up for mid-major writers. They did the same thing back in February during the throes of the college basketball season, seemingly forgetting that I was reporting live from the sidelines of downtown Omaha, completely throwing my career in jeopardy!

Please help.

I’ve been steadfast in my approach at this site, routinely posting articles that you love, and if this trade deal goes through I’m going to be hacking away at a site you’ve never heard of before. Heck, I’ve been writing here since the early aughts of this half-decade, and only YOU can put a stop to this Mid-Major Madness!

Below you’ll find instructions on how to help me, but before that, I’d like to pause for a brief moment and talk a little about something I love:

Breakfast.

Like Walt Jr. in Breaking Bad, I love breakfast. I love breakfast foods, from pancakes to eggs benedicts! Over the past year or so I’ve accumulated a list of feelings I feel when I go out brunching. Here’s my list:

1. Good
2. Really Good
3. Coffee
4. Hey now that’s the stuff! Feeling full.
5. Euphoria
6. There’s the check! No need to feel anxiety because this breakfast was properly priced and I have enough money in my bank account for this delightful experience
7. Good again
8. Breakfast!
9. Time to lay down
10. Euphoria

If you’re a fan of breakfast, please feel free to have some in the morning. If you’re feeling a little adventurous you can even have breakfast at night. That’s pretty cool if you ask me!

My favorite breakfast is hot breakfast.

Perfect, now I can give you the proper steps on how to stop Cobert and Rhris from trading me to another blogsite!

STEP ONE: READ MY ARTICLES

This is pretty easy. Just read all my articles four or five times and then you’ll remember why I’m so important here. The rise in pageviews will help them think that I’m too much of an internet entity to let go! Here’s a link where you can peruse all of my work:

Click this hotlink!

STEP TWO: USE SOCIAL MEDIA, SNAIL MAIL, OR EMAIL

If you’re on Facebook, Snapchat, Myspace, LinkedIn, Instagram, AOL Instant Messenger, YTMND, Xanga, Friendster, Reddit, or Yahoo! Messenger, then I’m sorry but I can’t help you.

If you’re on Twitter, use the hashtag #PleaseDoNotTradeHim and send a tweet to https://twitter.com/becb_sbn or @becb_sbn.

If you’d like to send written mail to let Cobert and Rhris know that I shouldn’t be traded, please send all mail to Box 3500 Harvard Square, Cambridge, MA 02238.

If you’d like to send an email send to becoastbias@gmail.com and really let ‘em know I shouldn’t be traded!

STEP THREE: USE COMMENTS BELOW

Make an account and leave comments in the comment box!

If we can make enough of a push, maybe Cobert and Rhris won’t try to trade me away from Big East Coast Bias anymore!

If you want me traded away then I am not your friend and I won’t be going to your aunt’s friend’s brother’s birthday party next week.